You
know when you hear a whole lot of stuff about some new hip author? "You
absolutely have to read this book... Have you heard about him?... You've never
read that?!..." I've felt that since I've associated myself with being a
"Christian" I've had books and authors and blogs and podcasts handed
to me like candy. I never pay attention to any of it anymore... it just all
looks the same to me.
Today I came home from another confusing day where I spend more time wondering what I am doing with my life than actually doing life. I picked some random book off the shelf in one of the bedrooms, poured a glass of wine and claimed a spot out on the deck on one of the few sunny days we've had since fall.
"Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr.
Falling Upward? I've always been a fan of the abstract and outside the box things. It intrigues me because you can't get more abstract than a girl who sounds American, has South African citizenship, speaks Afrikaans (which resembles Dutch more than anything else), has been to over 16 different countries and doesn't rest easy when the question of, "so where are you from?" comes up. Oh and I'm white.
So I picked up the book. Richard Rohr. The only thing that has stuck out in my mind out of everything I have heard about this man is that he has the same last name as my best friend. I would say that is a pretty good credential.
Rohr introduces the book by explaining that there are two halves of life. Many of us stay comfortable in the first half of life, but very few of us ever touch ground in the second half of life- or are even fully aware that there is a second half. We spend so much time, as Rohr says, building a strong container. But we rarely ever find the contents the container was meant to hold. Building the container has everything to do with building your identity and your ego. "The ego is that part of you that loves the status quo, even when it is not working. It attaches to past and present, and fears the future." But the contents of that container... that's your soul.
"Faith alone holds you while you stand waiting and hoping and trusting. Then, and only then, will deeper love happen. It's no surprise at all that in English (and I am told in other languages as well) we speak of "falling" in love. I think it is the only way to get there. None would go freely, if we knew ahead of time what love is going to ask of us."
I have fallen plenty of times. And I don't mean in the super wise metaphoric manner. I mean really fall. One time I was working a catering job and had to walk down an extremely narrow and steep staircase. After 8 hours serving dressy guests during a teary wedding reception I was in a hurry to get home, so it was no surprise that I skipped the occasional step only to find myself sliding down half the staircase at one point. I woke up the next morning to black bruise the size of my hand on my ass. Ouch.
When you fall, literally or metaphorically, you are pretty vulnerable. You try and go down with grace, and stand back up with class. As nice as that sounds, I always find myself red in the face, aching, cussing and wishing that the only laughter that can be heard is God's (because I refuse to accept anyone else sees my embarrassing moments).
You have to fail. You have to lose. You have to fall. It is the only way to know what you are made of. It is the only way to not only understand what grace and love and trust really is, but to know why it's there in the first place. Falling in love is probably the most fun out of all the falls, losses or failures out there. Your heart and your head and your body all do funny weird things. But once you get to the bottom and face the real stuff it starts to turn into something else. Most people stay at the bottom I think. You fall in love and then you start to "settle down". Your identity, relationships, community, security, careers, etc. All things that are admirable but it's nothing what it could be. What are we really doing when we are doing what we are doing? Rohr talks about how we can feel stuff. Joy, suffering, etc. But can we say exactly what is happening? This is that second half of life that people never get to. This is falling upward.
So you've experienced falling downward. But how do you fall upward?
"Learn and obey the rules very well,
so you will know how to break them properly"
- Dalai Lama
ubuntu. i am because you are.
